Last week, baby girl went through a drawer and pulled out all of my journals. As I went to put them back, I realized these books contained the story of my life dating back to high school. And I hadn't cracked them open in years. I did have some diaries from elementary school but I remember discovering them and tearing them up because I felt like what I was sharing was so foolish. I vowed to never do that again.
My love for journaling was sparked by the main character in the book Harriet the Spy. After I got hooked, journaling became a way to cope with life and capture it.
After stumbling upon those old journals, I spent the next few days (and late nights) flipping through the pages because I just couldn't put some of them down. It felt like I was getting re-acquainted with an old friend. I laughed, hooray-ed, got misty-eyed and angry as I read through years past. And it was crazy how what I thought I remembered about some experiences was nothing like what I recorded in my journal. I went through my highs and lows. My hopes and fears. My crushes and heartbreaks and my eventual falling in love with my husband and birth of my first born.
On one hand, it was pretty disheartening reading through those old journals because I've realized that though the years have changed, there are some things I'm still struggling with--namely fear. But it was also encouraging because there are many things--some fears included--that I've conquered.
Baby girl pulled out these journals but is too young to understand what's written in them. But what about the day when she does understand? I often wonder what my kids will think of me when reading through them.
A loser? Low self-esteem? A champion? Courageous? Ambitious?
Probably all of the above.
Just thinking about it now makes me scared. See, there goes that fear issue again. *Sigh* A part of me wants to leave them behind for them. A greater part wants to burn them all.
I'm still stumped on what to do...
One thing I am sure of is I want to get back in the groove of journaling. Spilling out what's inside has always proven therapeutic for me. And these days, I could use some self-therapy.
In the meantime, I'll just tuck my younger self away until next time.